I’m going for my first ever driving lesson today, and I just need to say, I’m really nervous about it. That’s right: I, Dr Dark McBane, evil scientist extraordinaire, never learned how to drive. That’s the reason I’ve temporarily left Melbourne. I don’t want anybody to see me driving around with L plates. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? Now I know people will read this blog and find out, and that’s fine. But if I so much as suspect that you’re sharing this secret with people, I will personally visit your house, shoot you with a freeze ray, then melt you with a plasma ray, then feed your remains to my pet tarantula. Are we clear?

I paid a driving instructor extremely well to drive us to Western Australia before letting me get behind the wheel. We’ve driven so far, though, that the car is having trouble. So before I can drive we need to get car service close to Midland. Then I’ll be behind the wheel and terrorising the streets of WA. I just hope that nobody recognises me.

At least my arch enemy, the Dirge, is out of my way for a few months. I’d like to see him take credit for my evil schemes from the set of Australia’s Next Top Office. That’s why as soon as my lesson is done, I’ll be activating my newest invention: the Brakes Breaker 7000. I was going to call it the BB v7 but it just didn’t feel right, you know? Numbers in the thousands just feel so much more intimidating.

So what does the Brakes Breaker do? It kidnaps everybody capable of giving brakes repair and brings them to my castle in Melbourne, where all brake repairs will be done from now on. I’ll take 60% of the profit, charging obscene amounts, giving the other 40% to the workers. Oh, it’s just devious. They’ll call me a mad genius and that’s exactly what I am. I’d like to see the Dirge take credit for that!