I found Dr Pistachio on top of the tallest building in Melbourne, cowering behind a glass balustrade. Typical behaviour for a supervillain: act tough while your plan is going ahead, then pretend to be weak once it begins to fall apart. I only had thirty seconds to save the city. There was no time for games.

“Tell me where the leak is!” I yelled, over the howling winds above the city. “You madman, thousands of people will perish.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “What leak? I don’t want anybody to die. Please, Super Duper Man, don’t hurt me.”

He always does this. Tries to convince me that I’m the bad guy. But I’m not the one who filled the sewers of Melbourne with poisonous gas. “It’s over, Doctor,” I said, rising higher in the air and looking down on him. “Even the best glass balustrades near Melbourne won’t be able to save you.”

“Please, Super Duper Man, you have the wrong guy!” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a piece of paper. “Don’t you remember what the courts ruled? This is harassment and you’re supposed to stay away from me!”

I could only laugh. “The forged restraining order? You don’t think your devilish trickery can stop me, do you?” Lasers shot forth from my eyes, burning the piece of paper, its embers joining me in the sky.

This battle would be truly epic, once Dr Pistachio stopped playing an innocent fool. Yes, lots of skyscrapers across the city would be destroyed, but it would all be worth it. Besides, the commercial glazing industry would have work for months, repairing all the glass. Truly, it would be for the good of the city.

“If you don’t tell me where the lethal gas leak is, I’ll have to destroy everything you care about,” I said, clenching a fist.

Dr Pistachio looked over the balustrade, down to the ground a hundred stories below. With one swift movement, he threw himself at me. I responded quickly before he could unleash an evil machine to attack me. Grabbing the back of his shirt, I immobilized the villain and flew him to the nearest prison, where we could get the truth out of him.

Super Duper Man saves the day once more.

Whats on and I got to the bakery at midday, knowing that we were far too late. Shouldn’t have stopped for that coffee, but you know how it is. Tell yourself you’ve got time, do some grocery shopping, check your watch and realise that you still have time, so you go for a game or three of bowling, then grab a coffee on the way. In theory, we should have made it there before the Glass Smashing Bandit, but Whatson’s ten-minute rant about how all of the glass balustrades within the Melbourne area look more like they’re made out of obsidian than glass made us late.

We received an anonymous tip at six in the morning, just as our office opened, telling us that the Glass Smashing Bandit was headed straight for a bakery in south Melbourne, to break their display window. He’s a slippery one, seeming to fall out of our grasp every time we come close. Will we ever catch this walking curse that has befallen our noble city? What if he thinks bigger, and begins to realise that there are entire skyscrapers made of glass, ready to be destroyed?

I’ve been thinking about this criminal, trying to work out his motivations. I figure he must have some sort of investment in the glass replacement industry, because why else would he give them so much work to do? It’s like how the Jester from the Baitman comics has stocks in a company that does building construction, which is why he destroys so many hospitals and banks.

Watson thinks he could just be a standard criminal with a taste for senseless violence, but that’s not possible. This guy is a criminal mastermind. How else would he keep avoiding us, even when we get tips as to his whereabouts? We’re dealing with a true genius here, possibly a graduate of the Supervillain Training Academy. He really needs to start taking this case seriously, because I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say the entire city is at risk here.